Shit Week 

These always a point in a person life were they wish they were not a adult and have to deal with all the crap that we have to deal with. 

This is me currently, I feel as if my life is caving in and I have no control over what is going to happen next and my boys don’t know were their home will be.  So has you guys know if you fellow my Facebook page (fourboyscrazymumnz)  we moved into a new rental four weeks ago only to be told last week (so three weeks into the new house) that the house is going on the market ( she fuckin lucky she didn’t get an ear full from me on the phone). I can’t understand how she can just do it to a family who have been in the house three weeks ( we hadn’t even unpack fully) she would of had the intention to sell it even before she signed us up (I did ask her before signing up of it was long term the answer was yes)  to me anyone that can sign someone up to rental and having the full intention to sell the house but don’t tell the tenant are heartless souls( sorry if this sound mean word to use but it true). Trying to break the fall by saying that they will try and find an investor to buy the house so we can keep renting it hasn’t made it easier at all ( the add on trademe doesn’t have anything about the tenants are happy to stay on ) and we all know your going to take the highest offer you can get because your only looking after yourself ( you wouldn’t of sold it otherwise or would at least tell us the truth before we signed up) but guess you needed someone in here to pay you mortgage.  If knew her full intention to sale the house before we signed up we would of stayed in the last rental and kept looking for long term rental. 

We have never had it easy at finding rentals or being able to settle as a family in a house. My oldest son Ryan who is 9 years old and he has lived in so many houses ( I think this house is number 10) he always worries about were we going to live and will he need to change school. Why should nine year old have to worry about that its fuckin crap he said me the other day where will we live when this house sells, what am I suppose to say when I don’t even know were we going to live myself  (probably homeless if sells too fast or living out the car). Ryan suffers from anxiety which in turn turns to anger and it’s hard to see him like this(break my heart), I don’t fully know what goes on in his wee head but having an unsettle life and moving all the time can’t help him at all. I am so glad that I kept him at the same school as last year and didn’t change him to the closest school at least he has some normality in his life at the moment anyway. 

The other three are probably still to young to understand what going on I know Lachlan understand we have to find a new house and Finn I think still thinks we on holiday because every time we drive past our old place he wants to go home and points to old house. 

Yes we would love to be able to buy a house and currently looking into it but still upsets me uplifting the boys yet from another house and into a new house or possible the car if we can’t find a suitable rental ( honestly there some dumps out there and that everywhere is New Zealand) 

My family is my life and I know as long as we are together we will be ok, we are  a family that has already  over come so many things and you think what else is life going the throw at us. Sometimes I think life would be better off if I didn’t wake up the next morning but my boys and hubby need me and I know that. Just the fuckin crap that just kept a happening to us and you get so close to breaking point and you know you just have to carry on but it’s bloody hard to face the next day. 

So if you landlord look after you tenant don’t treat them like crap and be honest with them because we are all human and we deserve to know the truth (I hate people who lie, when our landlord tells me to be honest with her I am 100% and she can’t do the same in return).

We can only but hope we find a new rental or have the opportunity to buy our first home so the boys don’t have to grow up not knowing were home is going to be. 


Faking it until I make it 

I’m guessing  we all have these moments as a parent that some days are worse then others. 

This morning I got up and I suddenly knew today going to be one of those days because one child can’t make up his mind what he wants for breakfast three bowls of different cereal later hes finally eating something, another child is holding onto my leg crying , another one having a meltdown because he wants my bowl of cereal for breakfast when they are both the bloody same thing. ( I never get to eat anything i make myself) well this is all happening the 9 year old coming 19 year old is sleeping half the day away because he been up half the night on youtube, even pulling the phone jack out the modem doesn’t work he sneaks in and puts back in grrrrrr. I think to myself what the hell did I get up for  ( that’s when I know I gotta fake it to I make it through the day). 

So on slaps the make up because for some silly reason it makes me feel semi normal like I’ve got my shit today ( when in fact I’ve got nothing together and just about lose my  f**kin mind).

Your probably all asking what hubby doing well all this is happening he off playing bowls ( that’s fine because he needs his time away from house too, my bloody turn tomorrow) 

So now it’s 10am and I haven’t done anything  sitting here make up on, tights and singlet top with Niall sleeping on my arm and a  three year old trying to put on a pair of gumboots that too small for him but he determined to wear them today ( they never going to fit the fuckin things) 

This is the current  state of the lounge and if you fellow me on Facebook or Intagram you will also see what it looking like, you will also know I have many pet hate but number one is the bloody couch cushions off the couch😩. These things ever use to worry me like having a messy house (Facebook a good reminder of how messy my house use to get actually make me ill looking at those photos)  but now it impacts on my anxiety and my mood thanks for pnd I can’t handle it looking like this, so will be clean up before I head anywhere today.

So if your ever having a crap day remember to take two mins time out slap some make up ( or whatever it is that make you feel like your with it) and forget  about what the children are like ( throw them outside like I do just so you can have some peace) and remember you can always fake it until you make it through the day. Remember as along as the kids are alive at the end of the day you’ve done you job. O and if anyone come and visit well your house is in a state like mine one is currently and if they don’t like it give them a job to do or show them the door , you’ve got kids your house is never going to be prefect ( well mine won’t be prefect for another 18 years or so anyway).  

Just fake it if you have to you won’t be the only parent doing so. 

Truth about 3 days away by myself 

Yes I just wrote a blog post about my trip to Auckland but it wasn’t the whole truth it was just a normal standard boring blog. There was nothing about my mental health or my state of mind well I was there. I really wanted to do it in a separate blog, so here it is.

Auckland trip was bloody amazing a whole three days by myself time for my brain to actually function and realise what the hell was going  with myself. Truth is I wish I had more then three days in Auckland. 

 So I am a person that is not comfortable in my own skin at all I’m a larger women (size 20-24)  and I fuckin hate. I feel like I will always judged by the size I am not the actual person I am ( if that makes sense). There are three things that made a huge impact on my mental  well I was away and one on when I returned home. 

First was the shock of hoping on the plane and find that the seatbelt on the plane was at its max for it to be able to fit me ( I was so worried that I would have to ask for an extension) but it fitted but with not much room. 

The second one was shopping I saved money for me to go shopping for myself but how am I suppose to shop for myself when I feel like this fat ugly women who doesn’t look great in anything. I have huge upper arms huge tummy which make me look 6months pregnant in anything I wear. Going into a shop that stocks clothes only to a size 18 isn’t a shop for me ( don’t get me wrong I wish I was able to fit their clothes but at moment in don’t put a foot inside their door or if I do get this funny look like your wasting your time in this shop fat women you won’t fit anything here) then you go to shops that do 18+ clothes and there nothing there as normally they look like grandma stuff or you pay a small fortune for them if I’m lucky to fine something I like ( I don’t have that kind of money). Yes I have my favourite part of my body that I wouldn’t change but their only one part. 

The third thing I found was everyone looked amazing on the wedding day most the girls my age (30) had a figure I would die for (I will never get that size no matter how much I diet and exercise)  plus none of them have had children yet so I guess I got a head start on them there as I’m finished lol. This made an impact on how I enjoyed the day, as I am too self conscious to get up and dance for a dance (this doesn’t matter how drunk I an you will never see me on the dance floor). Don’t get me wrong I had an amazing day celebrating the great wedding of my best friend and husband but there no way I would  get up on that dance floor when there are 53plus eyes looking at me. 

When I returned home I couldn’t believe the state of the house, anyone that knows me I am a bit OCD about the house i hate having a messy house ( yes in the mornings I leave the house in a bit of mess ). I have lucky enough to get a cleaner everyday through the health board because of my anxiety get bad when it’s a mess (yes I am a person that runs around in mad rush and cleans before the cleaner gets here) but this is soon coming to an end as Niall is now a year old. The house on my return was a real mess I know how hard it is to look after four children on your own but simple pick up at the end of the night makes it look better in the morning, I had a panic attack on my return felt like I couldn’t breath and my chest was getting really tight I was fine after I isolated myself for a few minutes but wasn’t a nice experiences (yes then I started cleaning up) 

These points I really focused on in Auckland (yes still enjoyed my holiday) but I had time to think about what really want and how am I going to battle my mental health to get myself better and off my medication( probably main reason why I am the biggest I’ve been ever). I decided that I need to go see my doctor about the possibility of surgery, I have look into it with the doctor in the past and I qualified for it but decided I needed to get my mental health better do some more research I have done that and I am happy to do the tests  and see what happens from there. I also know I need to help myself too before  I can get help from anyone else , so I have tired to get out walking everyday and eat the best I can ( with four kids I don’t get such a thing as lunch break I’m lucky if I get to eat tea most nights). 

There are few chances I need to make like getting the house organised more so easier to handle ( moving to four bedroom house would be amazing but yet to find one) and to free up some days so I can go out for walks/runs so this mean I need to cut down the cleaners hours as she here when kids aren’t and I can’t go for a walk/run with four children in toe.  I have no idea how I will do it (apart from the above ) but I need to feel better about myself before I can even think of coming off my mediciaton or helping other people around me. 

All I know is I don’t want to me the fat lady next time I’m on the plane that need to ask for an extension belt nor do I wanna be on medication for the rest of my life as I hate putting mediciation into my body but at the moment I still need to take my medication to focus and get my anxiety under contol. 

Sorry if this post it an all about me post but this how I feel at the moment. 

Auckland Holiday freedom without children

What can i say the Auckland trip was my first holiday in 9 years without children or hubby (yahoo). I wasn’t sure if i was excited, nervous or scared but all i knew i was going to try and make the best of the holiday.

So on Saturday 22nd October I made my way up  to Queenstown (for some strange reason to fly out of Invercargill to anywhere it cost and arm and a leg beyond my budget anyway). So got to Queenstown and omg seems so strange sitting by yourself in the airport not having to worry about anything apart from missing your plane but i still found myself looking around for the boys even through i knew they were not even here ( called myself a paranoid person or was it a habit that most mums do) all i knew people must of thought i was crazy women staring at them.

Anyway I didn’t miss the plane and my worry about Jetstar canceling the plane didn’t happen (there has been a few times they have done this to me in the past ). So plane trip to Auckland was fine apart from the couple that was sitting beside feeding each other crackers making me want to throw up in the sick bag ( yep I’m not a good romantic person  the thought  of it just makes me sick well in public anyway ). So got to Auckland safe sound little did i know what it was going to be like ( I lived in Christchurch for 7 years it cant be that bad can it). So a friend and I went half in  the cost of rental car and I’m bloody glad her name was down as driver otherwise I don’t think we would have made it out of the airport carpark if I was driving,  by the way this was a quiet weekend in Auckland.


A huge car just for the two of us 

We were staying in the North Shore so over the harbor bridge we went I was so excited to see the bridge  ( that was short lived after about the 5th time going over it ) don’t know how some Auckland people can travel over it everyday its  the scariest thing three lines across it and then two lanes at the side of the bridge and that was just one way traffic wasn’t counting the car going the other direction.

We went to a bar to meet up with the bride and groom omg it was nuts the night of the All Blacks game as soon as I stepped into the bar my personal bubble pop there was no where to go but to squeeze between people to make your way to the table ( you just had to hold you breath and hope that no one has bad B.O). We stayed there for about an hour and left to find our accommodation for the next three days.

We were very lucky to be able to stay at a friends of the bride, the house was on the North Shore also so didn’t have to travel far ( in Auckland terms). We got to the house went down the drive only to realize how steep the driveway was, it was pitch black at the time of the night so we couldn’t see if there was room to turn around or not. We decide to do 100 three point turns to be safe finally got the car turn around only to find it out didn’t have enough grunt to get up to driveway so my friend floored it and we got to the top without a scratch to the car. We decided it was safer to park on the street and walk down the steep driveway with suitcases in tow. We were told the house did not have an alarm so we open the door only to be greeted with a alarm going off , we tired  to ring bride only to find out that there was no repetition, the alarm still going off we finally realize that the keys had a remote for the alarm yahoo it turned it off (thankful no police showed up nor did the neighbors imagine the story we would have to tell them, weather they would believe us would be different story). The house was amazing great views and it’s a place I  would never  take the boys too as everything was light in colour and I would hate to think what colour everything would be if my boys were to stay there.

Sunday the 23rd was the big wedding day they had stunning day for the wedding the sun was out early so you knew it was going to be a hot Auckland day. The wedding was at 2.30pm, so leaving in enough time to get to the wedding was a guess as you never know what the traffic is like or what going to happen well your travelling there. We made it in plenty of time ( so no more stressing for the day)  everything was at the same venue so we didn’t have to move. Yes I had to do the normal selfie before the wedding ( you know when you take 20 and pick the best one )


The selfie

The wedding venue was in Mission Bay and it was simply amazing and you could see why they picked to get married there.  With stunning day you knew it was going to be a good day.

The bride had spent countless hours making her own wedding dress, which suited her well and look a million dollars she got some help making the top but it was by far amazing ( i hope she is proud of her efforts) . The groom didn’t scrub up to bad either ( they do really get it easy on the day ). The service was romantic with a few jokes and the couple wrote their own vows ( something i find truly special, something all couple should do but that is my thought anyway). The rest of the day was full of laughs, wine and food the venue sure knew what they were doing when it came to weddings. You would have a glass of wine soon as soon as it was empty or close to it was full up again so you didn’t actually know how much you were actually drinking ( no i didn’t get drunk was fine the next morning but a few other people look a little worse for wear the next day).  The bride and groom done wonderful job planning their wedding and i hope it was everything they wanted.

The day after the wedding my friend traveled back to Invercargill but i had an extra day in Auckland so got to spend a bit more time explore the crazy city.  Met up with the bride and groom and spending  day hanging out with them, went shopping at Kmart ( was sadly disappointed with what they had in store) got the children a toy each, as my mum us to do it for us when she went away so i had to keep it going ( lucky I don’t go away very often I can handle four gifts every 9 years). We went to the sky city for tea that evening with the brides family and it was good to actually sit down and eat the meal well it was hot.  I ended up staying at the bride and grooms house that night as it was going to be easier to get me to airport in the morning.

Sadly on the Tuesday the 25th at 6am it was time to travel to the airport to travel home back to the kids and hubby. I can’t say I loved Auckland but it was nice go away  on holiday, catch up with people and not have to worry about four children for three days.  I had no idea if i was looking forward to seeing the boys and hubby again, I think I was worried what i would face on my return home.  Yes I did miss them but it was nice to have a break away to refocus and I think you get appreciated a bit more when you return home from being away ( even if its just for one day). Next time i am not going to leave it 9 years to have another break away but next time it will be nice if it was hubby and I ( if only we could find someone to look after four children, dreams are free i guess) maybe in 20 or so years when all the kids have grown up and left home.






School holiday……..

Yahoo the school holidays are over and everyone back to school and childcare on Monday (bring it on)

So the past two week I’ve had the boys at home off and on. First week was not to bad as Lachlan and Finn were still at childcare, so I got to spent some extra special time with Ryan.  We went to chipmunks and went Pokémon hunting around the park. The second week was different story we didn’t really leave home as I hate taking all four boys out on my own as my anxiety gets really bad and I suffer from mild panic attacks ( only because one child goes one direction and other one run another) and I feel like ever parent is judging me as I normally get a comment or two when I’m out with all four.  I did suck it up on Tuesday and take three out of four boys swimming and omg this will be not happening again. No one drouned but Finn who just turn theee wouldn’t stay in water he would get out and run around side of pool and then it was a race between myself and lifeguard to get him became  embarrassing as I seen a lot of parent staring at me like omg women control your kids. All I wanted to say is he bloody three year old and  that likes to explore and I was watching him the whole time and I was never far behind him. 

Other things we done was makinb playdough and too this day it will be the death of me ( what part of leave it on the table and don’t get any on the floor that they do not understand grrrrr). We done other random things but I am so buggered the boys always had to have something to do otherwise watch out they would be up to something they shouldn’t be doing. Sometime I wish I had a girl who would be happy to sit there playing dolls or drawing ( drawing last all off 2 seconds in this house before they bored and the wall become the paper).
So bring on Monday and bring on those lunchbox, the one hour drop off round trip because you have to stay and play with youngest two or you’ll get years and bring on the battle with getting home work done (Ryan is horrible he a last minute child and it will all be done on Thursday night or he pretends to leave it at school). 

I guess life would be boring if I didn’t have four boys to run around after, there is only one thing I don’t understand with amount of running around I do I should be the super skinny as I’m pretty lucky if I get time to sit on my arse ( reason why I don’t do many blog post I guess)

I hope you guys had a good school holidays or are you looking forward to packing the lunchboxs and the school drop off this  will be me on Monday. 

This me me celebrating that Monday is only 2 sleeps away. 

How postnatal depression changed me

Lets face it postnatal depression is a scary illness. It is an illness that people find difficult to talk about, myself included. Most people like myself, don’t feel as though other people will understand what it is like because they don’t want to be judged as a person or a mother. This is why i decided to speak out and talk about so i will be able to help not only myself but other mothers that may feel like they are a failure and understand the illness.

This blog is based on my PND with all four of my boys but mainly between my middle two children, Lachlan and Finn this is were my PND was at it worse. Lachlan and Finn are only 11 months apart.  Finn was a bit of an oops and especially when you don’t find out your pregnant until 26weeks, no i wouldn’t change it for the world.

I didn’t know i had PND until the midwife asked if everything was OK after the birth of Lachlan i ended up in tears telling her i wasn’t really coping. My midwife asked me if i thought i had PND .Back then i had no clue what she was talking about I just knew i wasn’t 100% myself. My midwife advised me to go see the GP that afternoon to get myself on some medication and to have a chat.  At the time we lived in a tiny two story apartment with no back yard and the whole time i felt trapped inside a cardboard box and it was tape shut so i couldn’t escape.  We tried our best to look for another place but after the earthquakes happened in Christchurch houses were pretty hard to get and pretty expensive at the time and on one income at the time there was no hope in find anywhere.  After i found out i was pregnant again with Finn the search become more urgent with only 14 weeks until he arrived and no room to put him, we finally found a house and I was hoping with new move my mood would improve.

Finn birth was amazing all of three hours without pain relief or anything, so different from the other two which were but induced. So now i was a mother to three boys.1273391_10201535980274265_130320263_o.jpg

It was not that long after i got home from having Finn I realized my PND hadn’t changed at all it had in fact become worse.

I become irritable,snappy,angry and had very low self esteem. Everyday started to feel like i was still inside my cardboard box that was taped shut. I felt myself slipping away and dragging my family into my box.  I just couldn’t see anyway of untapeing the box so i could be free.

Each day took so my energy just to get myself out of bed and face what was going to happen that day even through i knew it would be the same as yesterday, I would tell myself I wasn’t cut out for motherhood. My mood would get so low that I would shut myself away in the bedroom or just sit on the couch in a daze, I was physically well in my body but the rest of me was withdrawn from the world around me. I am lucky I had the same midwife for both the middle two boys so when i knew i was getting worse she advised me to back to the GP and get referred to the mothers and babies unit that specialized in mothers that suffered from PND.  While I was waiting for my referral to mothers and babies the doctor increased my medication. The doctor explained that PND can happen to any women and normally happens within the first 12 months of having baby. I had had two babies within 12months so I wasn’t doing myself any favours at all ( here me thinking i would get better after a change of house). I still felt ashamed to be suffering from PND so i was hiding it from most people putting on my mask every time I went out or when someone came around to visit pretending everything was OK and I was a super mum ( which is pretty draining to do ). The only people who knew about it was Matt, a couple of close friends and medical professionals. At least Matt knew what i was wrong with me and that I wasn’t some crazy woman.

After Finn was born the cardboard box i was stuck in was pretty well taped shut and I knew that life wasn’t going to be easy I had hit the bottom of the box there was only two options left to either sufficate or slowly untape the box and rise to get air. It’s three years on now and I’m still in the taped box but slowly each bit of tape is getting peeled off.

PND can change people in different ways for me I just wasn’t myself and i will probably never be myself again but I will learn to control my anger , change things that irritate me or learn to no get so overwhelmed by them. Since having my youngest, Niall, 11 months ago there are a couple more things that effect myself and my PND but that is another blog post as well as my referral to mothers and babies unit in Christchurch.

Two days of HELL

Well what can I say I’ve had two days without my medication and it’s been horrible probably as close to I’ve come wanting to end everything I even told hubby I wish I never had kids that when he knew something was up as I love my kids so much and do anything for them.

It wasn’t was fault that I was without medication as I rang the doctor to get new script before I ran out on as knew if I didn’t I would run out over weekend. Rang Friday morning and Friday afternoon to see if been fax and nope even went into pharmacy to see if could get some to over my weekend but he couldn’t help. So today being Monday day two with out meds I rang the doctors and had a nut within 10 mins I got txt to say it had been faxed ( thank god). 

I’m lucky hubby stay home today as withdrawals from my meds aren’t nice headache, dizziness and some very scary thought which was a withdrawal from my medication. I have never experienced anything like this before on any other medication. So now the doctor looking at changing me something that doesn’t have as bad withdrawals. 

I will never ever be without my medication again nor will I be coming off them in a hurry as not fear on anyone. 

Best news is ones I’ll take my meds again my thought will come clear again and I can enjoy life for the better and hubby and the kids won’t have crazy person  living with them anymore. 

So please if you medication please be very careful coming off them as side effect isn’t sometimes worth it. I wasn’t trying to come off them just the doctor muck up.