Truth about 3 days away by myself

Yes I just wrote a blog post about my trip to Auckland but it wasn’t the whole truth it was just a normal standard boring blog. There was nothing about my mental health or my state of mind well I was there. I really wanted to do it in a separate blog, so here it is.

Auckland trip was bloody amazing a whole three days by myself time for my brain to actually function and realise what the hell was going  with myself. Truth is I wish I had more then three days in Auckland. 

 So I am a person that is not comfortable in my own skin at all I’m a larger women (size 20-24)  and I fuckin hate. I feel like I will always judged by the size I am not the actual person I am ( if that makes sense). There are three things that made a huge impact on my mental  well I was away and one on when I returned home. 

First was the shock of hoping on the plane and find that the seatbelt on the plane was at its max for it to be able to fit me ( I was so worried that I would have to ask for an extension) but it fitted but with not much room. 

The second one was shopping I saved money for me to go shopping for myself but how am I suppose to shop for myself when I feel like this fat ugly women who doesn’t look great in anything. I have huge upper arms huge tummy which make me look 6months pregnant in anything I wear. Going into a shop that stocks clothes only to a size 18 isn’t a shop for me ( don’t get me wrong I wish I was able to fit their clothes but at moment in don’t put a foot inside their door or if I do get this funny look like your wasting your time in this shop fat women you won’t fit anything here) then you go to shops that do 18+ clothes and there nothing there as normally they look like grandma stuff or you pay a small fortune for them if I’m lucky to fine something I like ( I don’t have that kind of money). Yes I have my favourite part of my body that I wouldn’t change but their only one part. 

The third thing I found was everyone looked amazing on the wedding day most the girls my age (30) had a figure I would die for (I will never get that size no matter how much I diet and exercise)  plus none of them have had children yet so I guess I got a head start on them there as I’m finished lol. This made an impact on how I enjoyed the day, as I am too self conscious to get up and dance for a dance (this doesn’t matter how drunk I an you will never see me on the dance floor). Don’t get me wrong I had an amazing day celebrating the great wedding of my best friend and husband but there no way I would  get up on that dance floor when there are 53plus eyes looking at me. 

When I returned home I couldn’t believe the state of the house, anyone that knows me I am a bit OCD about the house i hate having a messy house ( yes in the mornings I leave the house in a bit of mess ). I have lucky enough to get a cleaner everyday through the health board because of my anxiety get bad when it’s a mess (yes I am a person that runs around in mad rush and cleans before the cleaner gets here) but this is soon coming to an end as Niall is now a year old. The house on my return was a real mess I know how hard it is to look after four children on your own but simple pick up at the end of the night makes it look better in the morning, I had a panic attack on my return felt like I couldn’t breath and my chest was getting really tight I was fine after I isolated myself for a few minutes but wasn’t a nice experiences (yes then I started cleaning up) 

These points I really focused on in Auckland (yes still enjoyed my holiday) but I had time to think about what really want and how am I going to battle my mental health to get myself better and off my medication( probably main reason why I am the biggest I’ve been ever). I decided that I need to go see my doctor about the possibility of surgery, I have look into it with the doctor in the past and I qualified for it but decided I needed to get my mental health better do some more research I have done that and I am happy to do the tests  and see what happens from there. I also know I need to help myself too before  I can get help from anyone else , so I have tired to get out walking everyday and eat the best I can ( with four kids I don’t get such a thing as lunch break I’m lucky if I get to eat tea most nights). 

There are few chances I need to make like getting the house organised more so easier to handle ( moving to four bedroom house would be amazing but yet to find one) and to free up some days so I can go out for walks/runs so this mean I need to cut down the cleaners hours as she here when kids aren’t and I can’t go for a walk/run with four children in toe.  I have no idea how I will do it (apart from the above ) but I need to feel better about myself before I can even think of coming off my mediciaton or helping other people around me. 

All I know is I don’t want to me the fat lady next time I’m on the plane that need to ask for an extension belt nor do I wanna be on medication for the rest of my life as I hate putting mediciation into my body but at the moment I still need to take my medication to focus and get my anxiety under contol. 

Sorry if this post it an all about me post but this how I feel at the moment.