Shit Week 

These always a point in a person life were they wish they were not a adult and have to deal with all the crap that we have to deal with. 

This is me currently, I feel as if my life is caving in and I have no control over what is going to happen next and my boys don’t know were their home will be.  So has you guys know if you fellow my Facebook page (fourboyscrazymumnz)  we moved into a new rental four weeks ago only to be told last week (so three weeks into the new house) that the house is going on the market ( she fuckin lucky she didn’t get an ear full from me on the phone). I can’t understand how she can just do it to a family who have been in the house three weeks ( we hadn’t even unpack fully) she would of had the intention to sell it even before she signed us up (I did ask her before signing up of it was long term the answer was yes)  to me anyone that can sign someone up to rental and having the full intention to sell the house but don’t tell the tenant are heartless souls( sorry if this sound mean word to use but it true). Trying to break the fall by saying that they will try and find an investor to buy the house so we can keep renting it hasn’t made it easier at all ( the add on trademe doesn’t have anything about the tenants are happy to stay on ) and we all know your going to take the highest offer you can get because your only looking after yourself ( you wouldn’t of sold it otherwise or would at least tell us the truth before we signed up) but guess you needed someone in here to pay you mortgage.  If knew her full intention to sale the house before we signed up we would of stayed in the last rental and kept looking for long term rental. 

We have never had it easy at finding rentals or being able to settle as a family in a house. My oldest son Ryan who is 9 years old and he has lived in so many houses ( I think this house is number 10) he always worries about were we going to live and will he need to change school. Why should nine year old have to worry about that its fuckin crap he said me the other day where will we live when this house sells, what am I suppose to say when I don’t even know were we going to live myself  (probably homeless if sells too fast or living out the car). Ryan suffers from anxiety which in turn turns to anger and it’s hard to see him like this(break my heart), I don’t fully know what goes on in his wee head but having an unsettle life and moving all the time can’t help him at all. I am so glad that I kept him at the same school as last year and didn’t change him to the closest school at least he has some normality in his life at the moment anyway. 

The other three are probably still to young to understand what going on I know Lachlan understand we have to find a new house and Finn I think still thinks we on holiday because every time we drive past our old place he wants to go home and points to old house. 

Yes we would love to be able to buy a house and currently looking into it but still upsets me uplifting the boys yet from another house and into a new house or possible the car if we can’t find a suitable rental ( honestly there some dumps out there and that everywhere is New Zealand) 

My family is my life and I know as long as we are together we will be ok, we are  a family that has already  over come so many things and you think what else is life going the throw at us. Sometimes I think life would be better off if I didn’t wake up the next morning but my boys and hubby need me and I know that. Just the fuckin crap that just kept a happening to us and you get so close to breaking point and you know you just have to carry on but it’s bloody hard to face the next day. 

So if you landlord look after you tenant don’t treat them like crap and be honest with them because we are all human and we deserve to know the truth (I hate people who lie, when our landlord tells me to be honest with her I am 100% and she can’t do the same in return).

We can only but hope we find a new rental or have the opportunity to buy our first home so the boys don’t have to grow up not knowing were home is going to be. 

Faking it until I make it 

I’m guessing  we all have these moments as a parent that some days are worse then others. 

This morning I got up and I suddenly knew today going to be one of those days because one child can’t make up his mind what he wants for breakfast three bowls of different cereal later hes finally eating something, another child is holding onto my leg crying , another one having a meltdown because he wants my bowl of cereal for breakfast when they are both the bloody same thing. ( I never get to eat anything i make myself) well this is all happening the 9 year old coming 19 year old is sleeping half the day away because he been up half the night on youtube, even pulling the phone jack out the modem doesn’t work he sneaks in and puts back in grrrrrr. I think to myself what the hell did I get up for  ( that’s when I know I gotta fake it to I make it through the day). 

So on slaps the make up because for some silly reason it makes me feel semi normal like I’ve got my shit today ( when in fact I’ve got nothing together and just about lose my  f**kin mind).


Your probably all asking what hubby doing well all this is happening he off playing bowls ( that’s fine because he needs his time away from house too, my bloody turn tomorrow) 

So now it’s 10am and I haven’t done anything  sitting here make up on, tights and singlet top with Niall sleeping on my arm and a  three year old trying to put on a pair of gumboots that too small for him but he determined to wear them today ( they never going to fit the fuckin things) 

This is the current  state of the lounge and if you fellow me on Facebook or Intagram you will also see what it looking like, you will also know I have many pet hate but number one is the bloody couch cushions off the couch😩. These things ever use to worry me like having a messy house (Facebook a good reminder of how messy my house use to get actually make me ill looking at those photos)  but now it impacts on my anxiety and my mood thanks for pnd I can’t handle it looking like this, so will be clean up before I head anywhere today.

So if your ever having a crap day remember to take two mins time out slap some make up ( or whatever it is that make you feel like your with it) and forget  about what the children are like ( throw them outside like I do just so you can have some peace) and remember you can always fake it until you make it through the day. Remember as along as the kids are alive at the end of the day you’ve done you job. O and if anyone come and visit well your house is in a state like mine one is currently and if they don’t like it give them a job to do or show them the door , you’ve got kids your house is never going to be prefect ( well mine won’t be prefect for another 18 years or so anyway).  

Just fake it if you have to you won’t be the only parent doing so. 

Truth about 3 days away by myself 

Yes I just wrote a blog post about my trip to Auckland but it wasn’t the whole truth it was just a normal standard boring blog. There was nothing about my mental health or my state of mind well I was there. I really wanted to do it in a separate blog, so here it is.

Auckland trip was bloody amazing a whole three days by myself time for my brain to actually function and realise what the hell was going  with myself. Truth is I wish I had more then three days in Auckland. 

 So I am a person that is not comfortable in my own skin at all I’m a larger women (size 20-24)  and I fuckin hate. I feel like I will always judged by the size I am not the actual person I am ( if that makes sense). There are three things that made a huge impact on my mental  well I was away and one on when I returned home. 

First was the shock of hoping on the plane and find that the seatbelt on the plane was at its max for it to be able to fit me ( I was so worried that I would have to ask for an extension) but it fitted but with not much room. 

The second one was shopping I saved money for me to go shopping for myself but how am I suppose to shop for myself when I feel like this fat ugly women who doesn’t look great in anything. I have huge upper arms huge tummy which make me look 6months pregnant in anything I wear. Going into a shop that stocks clothes only to a size 18 isn’t a shop for me ( don’t get me wrong I wish I was able to fit their clothes but at moment in don’t put a foot inside their door or if I do get this funny look like your wasting your time in this shop fat women you won’t fit anything here) then you go to shops that do 18+ clothes and there nothing there as normally they look like grandma stuff or you pay a small fortune for them if I’m lucky to fine something I like ( I don’t have that kind of money). Yes I have my favourite part of my body that I wouldn’t change but their only one part. 

The third thing I found was everyone looked amazing on the wedding day most the girls my age (30) had a figure I would die for (I will never get that size no matter how much I diet and exercise)  plus none of them have had children yet so I guess I got a head start on them there as I’m finished lol. This made an impact on how I enjoyed the day, as I am too self conscious to get up and dance for a dance (this doesn’t matter how drunk I an you will never see me on the dance floor). Don’t get me wrong I had an amazing day celebrating the great wedding of my best friend and husband but there no way I would  get up on that dance floor when there are 53plus eyes looking at me. 

When I returned home I couldn’t believe the state of the house, anyone that knows me I am a bit OCD about the house i hate having a messy house ( yes in the mornings I leave the house in a bit of mess ). I have lucky enough to get a cleaner everyday through the health board because of my anxiety get bad when it’s a mess (yes I am a person that runs around in mad rush and cleans before the cleaner gets here) but this is soon coming to an end as Niall is now a year old. The house on my return was a real mess I know how hard it is to look after four children on your own but simple pick up at the end of the night makes it look better in the morning, I had a panic attack on my return felt like I couldn’t breath and my chest was getting really tight I was fine after I isolated myself for a few minutes but wasn’t a nice experiences (yes then I started cleaning up) 

These points I really focused on in Auckland (yes still enjoyed my holiday) but I had time to think about what really want and how am I going to battle my mental health to get myself better and off my medication( probably main reason why I am the biggest I’ve been ever). I decided that I need to go see my doctor about the possibility of surgery, I have look into it with the doctor in the past and I qualified for it but decided I needed to get my mental health better do some more research I have done that and I am happy to do the tests  and see what happens from there. I also know I need to help myself too before  I can get help from anyone else , so I have tired to get out walking everyday and eat the best I can ( with four kids I don’t get such a thing as lunch break I’m lucky if I get to eat tea most nights). 

There are few chances I need to make like getting the house organised more so easier to handle ( moving to four bedroom house would be amazing but yet to find one) and to free up some days so I can go out for walks/runs so this mean I need to cut down the cleaners hours as she here when kids aren’t and I can’t go for a walk/run with four children in toe.  I have no idea how I will do it (apart from the above ) but I need to feel better about myself before I can even think of coming off my mediciaton or helping other people around me. 

All I know is I don’t want to me the fat lady next time I’m on the plane that need to ask for an extension belt nor do I wanna be on medication for the rest of my life as I hate putting mediciation into my body but at the moment I still need to take my medication to focus and get my anxiety under contol. 

Sorry if this post it an all about me post but this how I feel at the moment. 

Auckland Holiday freedom without children

What can i say the Auckland trip was my first holiday in 9 years without children or hubby (yahoo). I wasn’t sure if i was excited, nervous or scared but all i knew i was going to try and make the best of the holiday.

So on Saturday 22nd October I made my way up  to Queenstown (for some strange reason to fly out of Invercargill to anywhere it cost and arm and a leg beyond my budget anyway). So got to Queenstown and omg seems so strange sitting by yourself in the airport not having to worry about anything apart from missing your plane but i still found myself looking around for the boys even through i knew they were not even here ( called myself a paranoid person or was it a habit that most mums do) all i knew people must of thought i was crazy women staring at them.

Anyway I didn’t miss the plane and my worry about Jetstar canceling the plane didn’t happen (there has been a few times they have done this to me in the past ). So plane trip to Auckland was fine apart from the couple that was sitting beside feeding each other crackers making me want to throw up in the sick bag ( yep I’m not a good romantic person  the thought  of it just makes me sick well in public anyway ). So got to Auckland safe sound little did i know what it was going to be like ( I lived in Christchurch for 7 years it cant be that bad can it). So a friend and I went half in  the cost of rental car and I’m bloody glad her name was down as driver otherwise I don’t think we would have made it out of the airport carpark if I was driving,  by the way this was a quiet weekend in Auckland.

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A huge car just for the two of us 


We were staying in the North Shore so over the harbor bridge we went I was so excited to see the bridge  ( that was short lived after about the 5th time going over it ) don’t know how some Auckland people can travel over it everyday its  the scariest thing three lines across it and then two lanes at the side of the bridge and that was just one way traffic wasn’t counting the car going the other direction.

We went to a bar to meet up with the bride and groom omg it was nuts the night of the All Blacks game as soon as I stepped into the bar my personal bubble pop there was no where to go but to squeeze between people to make your way to the table ( you just had to hold you breath and hope that no one has bad B.O). We stayed there for about an hour and left to find our accommodation for the next three days.

We were very lucky to be able to stay at a friends of the bride, the house was on the North Shore also so didn’t have to travel far ( in Auckland terms). We got to the house went down the drive only to realize how steep the driveway was, it was pitch black at the time of the night so we couldn’t see if there was room to turn around or not. We decide to do 100 three point turns to be safe finally got the car turn around only to find it out didn’t have enough grunt to get up to driveway so my friend floored it and we got to the top without a scratch to the car. We decided it was safer to park on the street and walk down the steep driveway with suitcases in tow. We were told the house did not have an alarm so we open the door only to be greeted with a alarm going off , we tired  to ring bride only to find out that there was no repetition, the alarm still going off we finally realize that the keys had a remote for the alarm yahoo it turned it off (thankful no police showed up nor did the neighbors imagine the story we would have to tell them, weather they would believe us would be different story). The house was amazing great views and it’s a place I  would never  take the boys too as everything was light in colour and I would hate to think what colour everything would be if my boys were to stay there.

Sunday the 23rd was the big wedding day they had stunning day for the wedding the sun was out early so you knew it was going to be a hot Auckland day. The wedding was at 2.30pm, so leaving in enough time to get to the wedding was a guess as you never know what the traffic is like or what going to happen well your travelling there. We made it in plenty of time ( so no more stressing for the day)  everything was at the same venue so we didn’t have to move. Yes I had to do the normal selfie before the wedding ( you know when you take 20 and pick the best one )

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The selfie

The wedding venue was in Mission Bay and it was simply amazing and you could see why they picked to get married there.  With stunning day you knew it was going to be a good day.

The bride had spent countless hours making her own wedding dress, which suited her well and look a million dollars she got some help making the top but it was by far amazing ( i hope she is proud of her efforts) . The groom didn’t scrub up to bad either ( they do really get it easy on the day ). The service was romantic with a few jokes and the couple wrote their own vows ( something i find truly special, something all couple should do but that is my thought anyway). The rest of the day was full of laughs, wine and food the venue sure knew what they were doing when it came to weddings. You would have a glass of wine soon as soon as it was empty or close to it was full up again so you didn’t actually know how much you were actually drinking ( no i didn’t get drunk was fine the next morning but a few other people look a little worse for wear the next day).  The bride and groom done wonderful job planning their wedding and i hope it was everything they wanted.

The day after the wedding my friend traveled back to Invercargill but i had an extra day in Auckland so got to spend a bit more time explore the crazy city.  Met up with the bride and groom and spending  day hanging out with them, went shopping at Kmart ( was sadly disappointed with what they had in store) got the children a toy each, as my mum us to do it for us when she went away so i had to keep it going ( lucky I don’t go away very often I can handle four gifts every 9 years). We went to the sky city for tea that evening with the brides family and it was good to actually sit down and eat the meal well it was hot.  I ended up staying at the bride and grooms house that night as it was going to be easier to get me to airport in the morning.

Sadly on the Tuesday the 25th at 6am it was time to travel to the airport to travel home back to the kids and hubby. I can’t say I loved Auckland but it was nice go away  on holiday, catch up with people and not have to worry about four children for three days.  I had no idea if i was looking forward to seeing the boys and hubby again, I think I was worried what i would face on my return home.  Yes I did miss them but it was nice to have a break away to refocus and I think you get appreciated a bit more when you return home from being away ( even if its just for one day). Next time i am not going to leave it 9 years to have another break away but next time it will be nice if it was hubby and I ( if only we could find someone to look after four children, dreams are free i guess) maybe in 20 or so years when all the kids have grown up and left home.

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Two days of HELL

Well what can I say I’ve had two days without my medication and it’s been horrible probably as close to I’ve come wanting to end everything I even told hubby I wish I never had kids that when he knew something was up as I love my kids so much and do anything for them.

It wasn’t was fault that I was without medication as I rang the doctor to get new script before I ran out on as knew if I didn’t I would run out over weekend. Rang Friday morning and Friday afternoon to see if been fax and nope even went into pharmacy to see if could get some to over my weekend but he couldn’t help. So today being Monday day two with out meds I rang the doctors and had a nut within 10 mins I got txt to say it had been faxed ( thank god). 

I’m lucky hubby stay home today as withdrawals from my meds aren’t nice headache, dizziness and some very scary thought which was a withdrawal from my medication. I have never experienced anything like this before on any other medication. So now the doctor looking at changing me something that doesn’t have as bad withdrawals. 

I will never ever be without my medication again nor will I be coming off them in a hurry as not fear on anyone. 

Best news is ones I’ll take my meds again my thought will come clear again and I can enjoy life for the better and hubby and the kids won’t have crazy person  living with them anymore. 

So please if you medication please be very careful coming off them as side effect isn’t sometimes worth it. I wasn’t trying to come off them just the doctor muck up.

3.55am wide awake 

Yep I’m wake after changing a poo nappy then putting Finn back to bed I’m wide awake.

My children don’t often sleep through at night grrrrrrrrrr I’m currently laying here with Niall snoring beside in the middle of our bed.

Who the he’ll need birth control when you’ve got children because more often then  not there either one sleeping in the bed or one waking up (life as parent I guess). Most parents would probably be in the same boat has myself and I think  parents would be lying if they say their children slept through the night every night with out fail, I mean when they under 5 away.

Some people say I never let my children sleep in our bed that fine but for myself when I’m buggered and all I want to do is sleep it’s easier to drag the child in beside me and so back to sleep. The other option I have is to drag my sorry arse out of bed in the freezing cold ( I live down south in an old house)  drag the child back to his bed throwing him back into his bed, get him  a bottle throw that at him and then sit there in the freezing cold until he goes back to sleep (this is to avoid a complete meltdown in the middle of the night that wake the whole house up). 

So you if you have no children enjoy your bed to yourself because if your planning on having children is won’t last no matter how bloody hard you try not to  sleep with your children in your bed it will happen unless you have angels that sleep through the night from get go ( you do what you can to get sleep).

If you lucky enough and you’ve had children and they have grown out of sharing your bed count yourself lucky and welcome back to you sex life hopefully ( lucky grrrrrrrrrr one day I’ll get there). Well you’ll  probably get back more then your sex life, you’ll probably not walking around like a zombie with bags under your eyes and you can probably go to the loo in peace without anyone coming to see you or yellowing out to find out were you’ve gone. That’s OK you’ve done your years of all the above.

Honestly I don’t really know why I’m actually writing this in blog but it is the honest truth about parenting you don’t often get many times in your day were there  not a child far behind you or yellowing out to try and find you. Sometime I wish I had a super power to make yourself invisible just to have 2 mins to yourself , time to have a sex life or just to  have a full night sleep ( super power will never happen I know I’m dreaming). 

Yes love my four little darling boys all the same no matter how many times I’ve gotta share our bed at night and how many times I’ve gotta do my toilet business in front of someone. It’s all part of being a parent I guess and one day it will comes to an end when they grow up and finally sleep through night, no more sharing the bed and welcome back your sex life ( just don’t forget that birth control otherwise you end up at square one again). 

For now I guess I’ll enjoy my bedtime cuddles from one or more then one child at night ( don’t think Matt will enjoy being kicked out of bed because the kids have taken over ). Yes I’m still taking birth control just encase a miracle happens and we do actually get 2 sec to ourselves plus if I’m on it I don’t have to deal with the monster monthly so guess that’s a bonus. 

One day I might actually get to go to the toilet in peace and not walk around like a zombie with big bags under my eyes but for now I’m a mum and a mum gotta do her job because no day my four little monsters won’t be little anymore and have either own life. 

As everyone says they are  only little for short time even  if it seems like a life time. 

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All About Us

Well I thought i would start writing a blog to go alongside my  Facebook page so you can have better understanding about us.

You’ll probably find along that way that I’ll have spelling mistake and I’m sorry if the is annoying but  spelling and grammar isn’t my strong point.

As you can tell I’m a Mum to four crazy boys which turns me into one crazy mum but there is no way i would change my world.  I would say must mum would say the same about their children even if they drive a crazy all the time.

Right i better stop talking rubbish and actually get to the point of actually telling you about us.

I was born in Invercargill, New Zealand the middle children of three with older sister and younger brother all have children now so my four boys have amazing cousin to grow up with.  I grew up not wanting to have any children i cant say i was a real fan of them at all ( now i have four of the little ratbags) i have never been a person that goes crazy when they meet a newborn baby that just not me not even with my own children.

I met my husband Matt at the age of  17 year old through a blind date jacked by a couple of friends who thought it be fun to text him not knowing that he would want to met at some stage so poor old me the single one in the group got pulled along not having a clue what they had said in the text message. I got dragged along to some stupid movie I don’t even know the name of it anymore it was 13 year ago now.  As a 17 year old I didn’t even like Matt when i seen him (now that why people say never judge a book by it cover lol ) it wasn’t until i got to know him that I fell in love with him and pretty much the rest of it is history.

We moved to Christchurch together and at the age of 21  in 2007 I had my oldest son Ryan was the most horrific labor i wouldn’t wish it on anyone for their first labor, the skin to skin after birth didn’t happen with Ryan because of problems after birth. I feel to this day that this had an impact on the bonding i have with Ryan and how my postnatal depression (PND) developed as is such an important part of being a parent and speciously with first born.  My PND wasn’t pick up with Ryan as i truly didn’t know as a first time mum how your suppose to feel, everyone just said to me it just the baby blues and everything will come right. Everything didn’t come right at all i just learnt to block it out and get on with my life.

When we decided that we could try for under two as we wanting about a 2 year age gap as we both grew  up with brothers and sisters  within the age gap.  What we didn’t know is the battle we would face getting pregnant the second time around the first time around we didn’t even try we just found out .It took a total of 3.5 years and we were beginning to wonder what the hell was wrong with us. I would get upset everytime months when by or whenever someone told me that they were pregnant two close family members got pregnant during us trying. We both changed our diet , lost weight , several appointment at the blog, got natural medication and Matt also stop drinking. It was 3-4 months after Matt stop drinking that i ended up pregnant and was so over the moon. We are unsure what made the differences but i do believe that alcohol plays a big role in it.

So in November 2012 i gave birth to second son Lachlan another horrific birth pretty much the same as Ryan apart from this time i got skin to skin. This time my PND did get picked up and i think with the stress of breastfeeding and number of other factors my midwife picked up on it a trip to the doctor and i got a script for medication ( which i don’t think actually work) i think ones again i just learnt to deal with it and put it to one side and forget about how i was feeling.

Little did i know that things were going to change so much after the birth of Lachlan. With a routine doctor visit for blood and a scan on my ovaries as its a yearly think for me to get done.  What they found at the rountine scan then later in the blood test was pretty shocking  and hard to believe. I found out that i was 26 weeks pregnant, matt didnt come to the scan as it was just routine one but workmate came to look after lachlan, we were both surprise when the lady found a about even more when she said i was 26 weeks along this meant that lachlan and the baby were about to be 11 months apart so pretty much two babies ( Irish twins)

So 11 months later i was in labour again with  Finn. The birth was amazing and the best of all four it was 2 hours long with no pain relief, yes i was shock think both of us were but it had happened and knew we would work it out. I was still suffering my depression during my pregnancy with Finn and carried taking medication.

After Finn was born i was referred to Mothers and Babies Unit in Christchurch to help manage my  PND ( will write bout this in a later blog a bit more). I ended up being admitted to the unit just for weekend but in myself i knew i should of been there longer then what i was. I was with Mothers and Babies unit as an outpatient for 1 year before i was discard which to this day i think it is still wrong as a mother or father can still suffer from pnd past the babies first year.

Without the the support of friend and family we wouldn’t of made it through there were some pretty low points which ill write about in another post.

We moved in 2015 from Christchurch to Invercargill unknown to everyone that I was actually pregnant with number four. We moved down because the horrible increasing rent prices in Christchurch there was going to be no way we would be able to afford to live there with four children, so we move back to Invercargill.

So 2015 was a huge year for us we finally got married after about 7 years of trying because every time we planned to get married i got pregnant and yep still ended up pregnant, we moved house twice and had our fourth boy Niall in October 20015 and to this day i am still suffering of PND.

So this is pretty much why i started my blog not only to help others but to also aid my recovery in the hope if i share all my up and downs with you i will know I’m not alone in this horrible illness of PND.

Sorry for i rambled on a bit and if you cant make sense of it all as I’m pretty shit at spelling and all the crapped that goes along with it, sometimes my brain just does its own thing and throws a hole heaps of stuff at me.

I was hoping to hold some live stream on my Facebook page but my phone cant do it so will have to do it old fashion way until i can work something out.

Please if you suffering from PND remember your not alone doing it.